What I hope to say first is “Congratulations!”. You’ve probably found some answers about yourself that make sense, in more ways than one. However frustratingly, after the relief of knowing how to identify on the sexuality spectrum, from pansexual to demi sexual to asexual, comes the anxiety and brand new questions.
While groups like AVEN are building awareness and spaces for belonging and connection, the concepts are still somewhat unknown to many people. Let’s be clear that like anything else in your life, from your political leanings to sexual attractions or lack thereof, the only people who need to know are the important people in your life. You’re free to tell anyone, but you also never owe anyone any knowledge about yourself.
-coming out to a new dating partner
The important distinctions to make in the beginning are the difference in sex and love, and what it means to feel romantic attraction outside of sexual attraction. No matter how you decide to tell your dating partnerships, it’s important that you tell them, and as early as feasible. Not just for yourself, but to offer them the opportunity to make their own choices. It may also be helpful to explain that you can have a sex drive, wholly independent of sexual attraction, and that any attempts to “just convince you” are not only wrong, but disrespectful and predatory, if they choose to stay with you and you with them. As with any concept in dating and connection, the truth, and the early truth, is usually your best bet.
Sometimes you can start with simply dropping hints in the early stages of dating like “have you ever heard of asexuality? What do you think about those options?”. Gauging their response can also tell you if you want the risk of telling them at all or keeping those vulnerable parts of yourself closed and simply ending the relationship.
-coming out to your spouse
The same advice probably won’t apply here. Some hints may be ok but it’s not a situation to drag out for too long. And if there is a massive amount of fear of rejection, then the relationship is already struggling in more area’s than what might happen in the bedroom. It’s also ok for your partner to make decisions that might include divorce. And while that fear may be enough to stop you, it’s important to remember that spending your life hiding your true self will compound over time. Your best life may include some rocky parts of the road, but openness is going to be best for everyone in the long run, even if it means you both decide that you aren’t able to continue in areas that are incompatible.
Your spouse needs to be able to have the freedom to determine what they need, as do you. Nobody has a right to your body however, and this is an important part of the discussion between any couple. You also have the right to choose to leave if the discussion veers towards how to make concessions, and you find that you are agreeing to things you don’t want, it’s time to really think deeply about living this life with this partner for the long term.
“Congratulations!” You’ve probably found some answers about yourself that make sense, in more ways than one. However frustratingly, after the relief of knowing how to identify on the sexuality spectrum, from pansexual to demi sexual to asexual, comes the anxiety and brand new questions.
